True Blood S1 E12 (Season Finale) "You'll Be the Death of Me"

Spoilers Ahead

All too quickly the first season of True Blood reached its finale. I don't know about anyone else but I would have been happy to watch at least another twelve episodes. At least. Because, unlike The Vampire Diaries, everything going on in True Blood (and there is a lot) is actually interesting, enjoyable, and has a point to it. I know--novel concept for a television show (the way the American networks have been running things, I'm actually surprised it didn't get cancelled). So, here's to the end of Season 1, the soon-to-be reviewed episodes of Season 2, and the eventual start of Season 3.

Continuing the trend started in "To Love Is to Bury," this episode doesn't start at exactly the same point the last one left off. This time we come in on Jason in a jail cell as he tells Rene--who we now know is the murderer--where he'd like all his belongings to go. Rene gets Jason's prized truck, and doesn't betray any hint of remorse or guilt at seeing his friend take the fall for him. Instead he makes a comment about the murdered women not being innocent, that as fang bangers they would have ended up dead sooner or later. But Jason is convinced something is wrong with himself.

Rene is showing his true colours in all sorts of little (and big) ways this episode. From the camera focusing on him at significant moments (like when Sookie says she's close to finding out who the real killer is), to the music he's singing along to ("Devil in Disguise"), to Sookie commenting that his thoughts don't have a Cajun accent. And one of the funniest, and most disturbing, scenes all season is when the camera cuts to Arlene's kids watching Maudette's missing sex tape. It turns out to have been stored with Rene's stuff in the garage, along with an instructional cassette on Cajun dialect. Unfortunately this funny moment comes at the expense of plot: why would Rene ever have kept this stuff, let alone in an open box in the garage at home where anyone could get to it? I don't know--maybe in his twisted mind he thought Arlene would be sympathetic, given her general antipathy toward vampires. Or maybe someone just dropped the ball (we'll forgive them...this time...)

After Andy Bellefleur refuses to believe Jason isn't the killer (he never got the fax with Rene/Drew Marshall's name and photo on it, but even if he did he just seems to have an innate hatred for Jason), Sookie has an even harder time dealing with the thoughts of people at the bar. Not only is the general consensus that Jason is the murderer, but most people seem to agree that Sookie and her entire family are a bunch of shameless freaks. Rough day at the office. Against Sam's advice (he can't leave the bar, so can't go with to protect her) she insists she needs to go home. When her car won't start she gladly accepts a ride home with Rene, but not before he "tries" to fix her car--and then disposes of what is apparently the needed part. Now would be a good time to suck it up and use your unappreciated mind-reading ability, Sookie.

Things are going considerably better for Tara--at least on the surface. She wakes up in luxurious surroundings, is waited on by a butler, has the sympathy and support of Maryann, and meets a guitar-playing hottie named Eggs (Mehcad Brooks, The Deep End). Actually his real name is Benedict--get it? If it all seems too good to be true, well, you know how it goes. The butler slyly pockets Tara's phone, there's an unnatural amount food around, Eggs seems a little too convinced of the awesomeness of the so-called social worker, and, oh yeah, Maryann turns out not to be your average human (we see her entire body buzzing and flickering). Later on we also find out that Sam and Maryann know each other--and it is not a happy reunion. For one thing, she's aware he's a shapeshifter and apparently has gone out of her way to find him again. Why Sam doesn't warn Tara about Maryann or just come clean about what he is, though, is a question along the same lines of why Rene didn't get rid of those incriminating tapes. Best not to ask.

Back at Sookie's house, Rene comes in to "watch over her" until Sam can get there. As Sookie busies herself getting iced tea, Rene's thoughts start slipping away from him. Sookie hears him thinking about all the blood that was in her house, and gets an image of him killing her Gran. She tries to hide what she knows but Rene is done pretending. He smirks at her as she aims a rifle at him (he'd already removed the bullets) and drops his accent. Sookie manages to get out of the house, and then the chase is on. Michael Raymond-James, who plays Rene, does a good job of portraying an alternately creepy and enraged psychopath as he chases Sookie. She finally takes advantage of her telepathy and forces him to re-live the murders he committed. It's cool to see Sookie as a powerful character again, rather than one always waiting to be saved. Having her in his head stops Rene long enough for Sookie to hide in an open grave, but he's soon after her again. Annoyingly she falls for his obvious misdirect ("She must have run into the woods--guess I'll follow her there now...") and reveals herself. Of course he's waiting, and a minute later he's choking the life out of her.

Sookie's not entirely on her own, though. Back at Merlotte's, Sam decides to sniff Rene's work vest. It seems weird until he flashes back to rolling around in Dawn's sheets after she'd been killed. It turns out he'd noted the killer's scent and now realizes the killer is Rene. Meanwhile, Bill wakes up aware that Sookie's in serious trouble. I guess Bill felt bad for leaving Sookie on her own while he went to the Tribunal because he runs (or rather, stumbles) off to save her, even though it's the middle of the day. Rather than bursting into flames, it looks like poor Bill is being roasted alive, his skin turning black and crusty while smoke pours off him. He should've used Spike's trick and brought a blanket along for cover.

Sam, in dog form, reaches Sookie first. He attacks Rene but the human gets the upper hand. Rene then gets distracted when he kicks the dog into unconsciousness and it turns back into Sam. Poor Rene--surrounded by freaks. Bill finally comes within sight of Sookie, but the sun finally overcomes him and he collapses, saying her name. If that's not devotion, I don't know what is. At this point Sookie suddenly comes awake, grabs a nearby shovel, and has at Rene. He fights back viciously and I doubt anyone feels sorry for him as Sookie embeds the shovel into the back of his head. She and Sam then turn their attention to Bill who, despite looking like a giant piece of charcoal, apologizes to Sookie for having failed to save her. She breaks down sobbing, and Sam buries Bill in the open grave.

The next scene cuts to Sookie, bruised, in bed and groggily waking up. Tara, Lafayette, and Sam are there. They're all thrilled she's okay, although they think she's out of it when she says Sam turned into a dog and bit Rene. Sam doesn't tell them otherwise, and Sookie lets him know how great he is and that he should let people see the real him. Tara apparently takes Sookie's words to heart because a few minutes later she tells Sam that he really is a wonderful person who deserves to have everything he wants happen--and so does she. Then she takes off with Maryann, but not before Sam and Maryann have the encounter I mentioned. This would have been a good time for Sam to warn Tara, if for no other reason than to prevent her from sounding like a cheesy motivational speaker as she quotes Maryann every five minutes, which happens by the end of the episode. Further proof that Maryann is not good people.

A weepy Arlene comes by to see Sookie, feeling responsible not only for not realizing who Rene was, but for telling Sookie to stay out of her (and by extension, his) head, thereby preventing Sookie from picking up on his true nature. This is probably the first time I've really liked Arlene, boosted by her asking how Bill is doing. Sookie breaks down as she admits she doesn't think he'll be okay.

Back at the Sheriff's department, Jason has a revelation. Early in the day he was visited by Orry Dawson, a representative of the Fellowship of the Sun church, an anti-vampire church, as the name suggests, although Dawson claims they don't hate vampires--they just really, really like humans. He says that while the church can't technically condone Jason's killing of four human women--even misguided ones--killing vampire Eddie was a service to "his race and Jesus." Besides, they know Jason's intentions were "pure." They've set up a defense fund for Jason, and Dawson leaves him with some reading material. Jason doesn't seem impressed by any of this (mostly just confused), but when Andy angrily arrives to set him free and calls his release a "miracle," Jason looks heavenward and we know that boy is about to get himself into serious trouble. When he goes to see Sookie, he tells her he's been "saved" and that all the bad stuff that happened was for a reason, not that he knows what that reason is. But it's no surprise when, at the end of the episode, we see him at the church, soaking up every word of the obnoxious Rev. Steve Newlin's sermon, and being moved by the spirit. Oh, Jason--first Amy and now this.

The best part of the episode for me comes when everyone has left and Sookie's safe on her own. She hears something outside, and when she opens the door Bill is there, completely healed. After a long moment of shock, she invites him back in. He's ready to give her his blood to heal her wounds, but she claims that after everything that's happened she wants to feel human (an interesting take on humanity, and one I can't disagree with). When Bill tries to apologize for failing her, Sookie stops him because her life is too short. Then they share a lingering kiss. It's no secret that Bill is one of my favourite vampires (second only to that other William, aka Spike) and scenes like this just confirm it. I have to say, though, I'm surprised no one has mentioned Bill yet in my True Blood/Sookie Stackhouse contest. I'm a little disappointed here, people.

Anyway, after their kiss, the screen fades to be replaced with the words "Two Weeks Later." This postscript is when we see Jason at the Fellowship of the Sun service, and discover Tara is a full-out Maryann disciple. There's plenty more going on as well. Andy Bellefleur has become a bitter relapsed drunk. Lafayette has been missing for a couple of weeks (we saw him attacked by something after he left Sookie's place but we didn't get to see what happened). Hoyt asks Sookie if Bill knows any nice vampire girls his age for him to date. Arlene and Terry continue bonding, with Terry becoming a little more openly--if awkwardly--flirtatious. Sam is in a permanently pissed off state, no doubt due to Sookie's renewed relationship with Bill, Tara's infatuation with Maryann (and loss of interest in him), and Maryann's very presence; we see him retrieving bundles of money from Merlotte's safe, although where he got them and what he's going to do with them is anybody's guess. As well, marriage between humans and vampires is legalized for the first time, but only in Vermont--I'm not sure how I feel about this; vampires are not domestic creatures, and one really can't get more domestic than getting married. I think the vampires of True Blood are heading down a path they really shouldn't go down (talk about being de-fanged).

Sookie and Bill have a big night planned, but before Sookie can meet Bill at his place, Jessica shows up, accompanied by Eric and Pam. They've had enough of putting up with her, so Bill's deal with Eric is off--that is, unless Bill wants to give Sookie to Eric. That's not happening, so Bill's back on Maker duty with a bratty neonate teenager. Can't wait to see how Sookie reacts to this.

The last scene of the finale involves Andy, Sookie, and Tara. As the girls follow a drunken Andy to his car, trying to convince him to give them his keys, he notices the car door is slightly ajar. As he opens it, we can see a limp leg hanging out. And then Sookie and Tara scream.

Nice cliffhanger to tide us over to the second season. There's a lot of potential and promise for season 2, as well as plenty to keep us worried and wondering. You really can't ask for more of a finale.

Fang Files

Appearance: Pale humans with snake-like fangs that descend at will.

Strengths: Super speed. Ability to withstand extreme pain.

Weaknesses: The sun.

Mythology: Vampires need an invitation into a private residence; they're compelled to leave if the invitation is rescinded. Vampires are technically walking corpses, animated only by blood. Vampires sleep during the day. Once a human has drunk vampire blood, the vampire will always have a connection to them and can find them.

Sound Bites

Tara: I didn't just wreck my car. I totalled my whole life. All of it.

Tara: (after meeting Eggs) So, collecting stray black people, that some kind of hobby of hers [Maryann's]?

Bill: (on the verge of death after being unable to save Sookie from Rene) I...am...sorry.

Jason: You know, I was sitting in that jail, and I just kept thinkin' about all the stupid stuff I've done.
Sookie: That must have kept you busy.

Sookie: You're alive?
Bill: Well, technically no.

Eric: (after returning Jessica to Bill) There are favors, and there are favors.
Pam: She is extremely annoying.

True Blood, S1 E12 (season finale) "You'll Be the Death of Me." Written by Charlaine Harris and Raelle Tucker. Directed by Alan Ball. From HBO.

Season One Reviews

Episode 1 "Strange Love"

Episode 2 "First Taste"

Episode 3 "Mine"

Episode 4 "Escape from Dragon House"

Episode 5 "Sparks Fly Out"

Episode 6 "Cold Ground"

Episode 7 "Burning House of Love"

Episode 8 "The Fourth Man in the Fire"

Episode 9 "Plaisir D'Amour"

Episode 10 "I Don't Wanna Know"

Episode 11 "To Love Is to Bury"

Sookie Stackhouse Contest: All Together Dead

NOTE: Contest is now closed! Thanks for your entries--winners to be announced soon...

It rocks to be Canadian. We have gorgeous landscapes, great health care, fun spelling, and we're the only ones who qualify for this contest! In honour of Penguin's release of new trade paperback editions of the "Sookie Stackhouse" backlist, I have five copies of Charlaine Harris's All Together Dead to give away.

A bit about the book: Louisiana cocktail waitress Sookie Stackhouse has her hands full dealing with every sort of undead and paranormal creature imaginable. And after being betrayed by her longtime vampire love, Sookie must not only deal with a new man in her life—the shapeshifter Quinn—but also contend with the long-planned vampire summit.

What do you have to do to win one of these coveted copies? Read on...

Contest Rules

1. You must live in Canada.
2. You have to post a comment below telling me who your favourite Sookie Stackhouse/True Blood character is, and why. You'll also need to leave me a way to get in touch with you in case you win (email address or twitter name).

That's it! I'll pick my five favourite responses as the winners and share them (and maybe some of the honourable mentions too) in a future post. And while it isn't necessary, it would be much appreciated if you would tweet this contest or post about it on Facebook. Thanks, and good luck!

The Vampire Diaries S1 E12 "Unpleasantville"

Spoilers Ahead

Caroline might be one of my least favourite characters ever but she does get a lot of the best lines in The Vampire Diaries (sad, isn't it?) In "Unpleasantville" she actually voices what I was thinking when she asks Elayna if her relationship is now a threesome with the Salvatore brothers. Elayna emphatically says no, but I'm willing to bet I'm not the only one wondering at this point. I know in the books (which I haven't yet read) the character of Elayna is torn between the brothers, but I was under the impression that the show was diverging from the original story. Maybe not so much after all. Of course, why TV Elayna would be attracted to (or even able to tolerate) Damon is the real mystery here. As I mentioned in my last review, Damon (who I actually do like as a character) has done a lot of evil things, and girls--there's a huge difference between a bad boy and an evil one. Elayna apparently hasn't caught on, though.

Moving on to the episode, now that Elayna and Stefan are getting along again (any takers on how long that will last?) they muse over who the vampire in the road (the one Elayna hit with her car) might have been. Stefan also gives her a boatload of vervain--enough for her family, friends, random strangers she happens across... Once again I'm annoyed that in "Bloodlines" Elayna went vervain-less and nothing happened. Wouldn't it have added an intriguing shot of tension to have the previously safe Elayna suddenly under the control of some nefarious fanged baddie? Honestly, I think the whole vervain vampire-protection thing is a big cop out, especially now that everyone's got some. Why give vampires the power to compel humans if they never get to use that ability? The writers should have just kept it limited to Elayna. Which reminds me: why does Elayna skirt around the reason she's giving Caroline a vervain-containing necklace? Caroline was not only dating Damon, but was his regular meal--I think Elayna can be up-front about the vervain. Come to think of it, Caroline might just have moved to second in the annoying character rankings--Elayna's officially slipped into first (helped in no small part by Nina Dobrev's acting skills--or lack thereof).

Anyway, as Elayna and Stefan wonder about the mystery vamp, he shows up at the door in the guise of a pizza delivery guy! That's some clever subterfuge. Of course Jeremy invites him in, in the most hamfisted way imaginable, and mystery vamp henceforth has a standing invite into Elayna's house. Later, in a scene right out of Scream, mystery vamp calls up Sidney--I mean Elayna--to tell her that he knows what she did last summer--I mean, a couple of nights before. Sorry--I'm suddenly awash in confusion over all the Kevin Williamson content. You know writers have run out of ideas when they start ripping off their own work.

After the creepy call, mystery vamp proceeds to stalk Elayna, even attacking her in her living room (luckily Stefan showed up at just the right moment to thwart him). Stefan and (inexplicably) Damon then decide to set a trap to get the vamp that very night, because they obviously can't let it go when this guy has an invitation into Elayna's house. What's their big plan? Accompanying Elayna to the 1950s-theme dance at school and using her as bait to draw the stalker out. Sure, why not?

If there was any doubt the boys would get their man, push all such thoughts aside. Of course they do, grilling and torturing him before Stefan finishes him off with a broom handle (I was kind of hoping Elayna would do the job with a pencil, but sadly that wasn't the case). Before his anticlimactic death, mystery vamp (whose name turns out to be Noah) lets slip that he knew Katherine (hence the appeal of going after Elayna) and then scoffs that Stefan and Damon don't even remember him (what--it's only been 120 years). I mention this because I have a feeling it's going to come up again in future.

As usual, lots of other things were going on besides the main event. Jonathon Gilbert's journal has practically become a character unto itself. After writing a paper based on it, Jeremy loans the journal to Alaric Saltzman, who claims a Civil War-era account is like porn for history teachers (in one fell swoop elevating the reputations of history teachers everywhere). Meanwhile, Damon's also looking for the journal because it supposedly contains the location of Emily's grimoire--which he needs to reverse her spell trapping Katherine and the other vampires (it turns out the vampire-hunting Founding Families weren't above burning witches and taking their belongings). Oh, and it turns out Jeremy's new friend Anna is yet another vampire, and she wants the journal too. Her and her buddies (including the recently deceased Noah and her boyfriend Ben) really want to free Katherine and the others, but for some reason aren't too fond of Damon.

Ben, meanwhile, is a recent graduate of Mystic Falls High School, former football star, bartender at the local bar, and part of the ranks of the undead. While his girl Anna tries to get the journal from Jeremy, Ben is busy wooing witch Bonnie (who I guess has her powers back, although it was never resolved). Bonnie is already falling for him, so I suppose we'll find out soon enough how she fits into the scheme.

Alaric Saltzman's real interest in the journal wasn't mentioned, but it probably has something to do with his need for revenge against Damon. Speaking of which, he tries getting info from Damon at the dance, although he manages to set off Damon's spidey sense pretty quickly. After catching him leaving the scene of the staking, Damon compels and questions him. Saltzman's responses are what you'd expect from the average clueless human, but of course that's because he's got a handful of that pesky vervain. You'd think vampires would learn to check for that stuff instead of just assuming humans are under their spell.

Much later when Saltzman escorts Jenna home, he happens to mention that his dead wife (whom he married young) was from the area. He also mentions that her name was Isabel--the very same name as the teenager who *gasp* gave birth to baby Elayna and abandoned her with the Gilberts! Jenna perks up when she hears this because apparently there's only one Isabel in the entire state of Virginia and she clearly must be Elayna's birth mother. So does that make Saltzman Elayna's dad? It also brings up the question: If Isabel Saltzman was Elayna's birth mother, is that somehow related to why Damon killed her?

You getting all this?

Oh, and apparently no one in town knew that Elayna was adopted because Elayna's dad, a doctor, doctored up the paperwork so it seemed like he and his wife were her birth parents. Somehow no one in this small town noticed that the doctor's wife had a baby out of nowhere. If they say so.

Caroline and Matt also hook up, proving that if you're lonely enough anyone can seem appealing. By the way, is it just me or is Caroline unduly snobby for someone whose mom is a lowly civil servant (lowly in the sense that they don't exactly make the big bucks)? She spends most of her onscreen time in "Unpleasantville" looking down on the people pathetic enough to have to work in the service industry, including her new boyfriend Matt, who's taken a busboy job alongside vampire Ben at the bar. Wow--this show is, like, bringing up class issues and everything. It's so deep.

Once Elayna is safe again (for the moment), Stefan focuses on setting up Damon, promising to help his brother free Katherine (and kill the other 26 vampires) when he has no intention of letting Katherine go. Damon believes him, which isn't surprising given his habit of taking everything at face value (because untrustworthy people always trust everyone else). Stefan lets Elayna in on the plan, and she admits she's bonded with Damon even though she doesn't trust him. Anyone else secretly hoping the vamps all get out and unleash a bloodbath on Mystic Falls? Just me, then, huh?

When The Vampire Diaries started I was worried that it didn't know whether it was a teen show or a vampire/horror show. Well, I finally figured out what it really is: a soap opera, with all the requisite melodrama and absolutely no substance. I'm just looking forward to the long-lost twin storyline...uh, wait a minute...okay, then the possession subplot--no, wait. Kidnapping of the heroine? Secret baby? Plots and conspiracies? Okay, I guess the show's already covered all the soap opera basics. From now on I won't even worry about the loose ends and lack of logic--in the end, it'll all probably turn out to have been Caroline's dream. Hey, at least it's giving the people who watch something to talk about--and then promptly forget.

Fang Files

Appearance: Human until they vamp out--then red-rimmed eyes and dark facial veins. Dead vampires turn grey and extra veiny.

Strengths: The ability to compel (hypnotize/control) humans. Super strength and speed.

Weaknesses: The ability to compel (hypnotize/control) humans--except when said humans have vervain on or in them. Stakes, wood.

Mythology: Vervain needs to be on or in a human in order to be effective. Vampires can't sense one another. A vampire needs an invitation to enter a private residence, but once invited they're always invited.

Sound Bites

Bonnie: (to Damon) You know I can start fires with my mind. Fires kill vampires, right? [They tend to kill humans too, but never mind...]

Caroline: (By way of apology to Matt) I'm a terrible, awful person, but I'm working on it.

The Vampire Diaries, Season1 Episode 12 "Unpleasantville." Written by Barbie Kligman and Brian Young. Directed by Liz Friedlander. From The CW.

The Vampire Diaries S1 E11 "Bloodlines"

Spoilers Ahead

First off, I have to apologize for the lateness of this review. I may or may not have lost my notes in my own house *cough* But I have them now so let's not dwell on what might have been...

After the previous episode of The Vampire Diaries, "Bloodlines" (nice title, by the way) could have gone anywhere. The place I did not expect it to go, however, was a road trip. I kind of have to question what the writers on this show are thinking. But let me backtrack for a second.

When we last saw Elayna, she'd hit and mangled a person with her car, only to watch as the person instantly healed and started approaching her as she sat trapped and panicking. Promising, yes? Well, kiss that promise goodbye: mystery person decides for no apparent reason to take off. Then Damon shows up, gets Elayna out of the car, checks for injuries (conveniently none worth worrying about--see, flipping your car is no big deal), hides said car (which, of course, no one will notice, despite the fact that it looks like a crushed soda can), and takes her on a jaunt to Georgia. Might I just say: WTF?

But it gets better!

After a minor debate about being taken home, Damon somehow convinces Elayna that the whole thing will be a fun day out. She's satisfied so long as he promises not to compel her (an issue now that she stupidly took off the vervain-containing necklace). And for some reason he keeps his word and doesn't compel her. I guess he suddenly has scruples. Once again something potentially interesting has been set up (Elayna making herself vulnerable to compulsion) and promptly ignored. So much for the show's big cliffhanger--it seems to have turned into one big pointless fakeout. Woo.

Once in Georgia, Damon pays a visit to his clearly bitter ex, Bree (Gina Torres), a witch who he believes can help him figure out how to overcome Emily's spell and free Katherine and the other vampires from the tomb. While he's busy with that, Elayna drinks the regulars under the table and shows everyone just how much fun she can be. Bree, meanwhile, sets Damon up for a staking--not because he did her wrong, but because she's upset that he killed her good friend Lexi. Calling in Lexi's formerly human (now vampified) boyfriend to do the job, Damon is saved by...Elayna. Not only does Elayna save him but she begs--literally begs--for his life to be spared. Why the hell would Elayna even want Damon to live? Isn't he the guy who killed a bunch of people she knew, turned Vicky, compelled and fed on Caroline, ripped open Bonnie's neck, and threatened to kill Elayna herself (more than once) before taking her across state lines against her will? Sure--why wouldn't she want to save him--makes perfect sense. And as concerned as she is about him, she disappears pretty quickly when he goes back into the bar to confront the woman who betrayed him. Doesn't even ask him what happened with Bree. (For the record, a terrified Bree tells Damon that he needs to find Emily's grimoire and reverse the spell, just in time for him to rip her heart out with his bare hands. Guess he's done with scruples.) Elayna and Damon then have a nice chat on the way home about how much they like hanging out with each other. Right.

By the time Elayna gets home, she's ready to make up with Stefan--after he grovels an acceptable amount (can't have an episode without that). He tells her that he's known she was nothing like Katherine since before he ever met her. It turns out he was watching her from way back and, oh yeah, he's the one who saved her when her parents' car went over the bridge with her in it. He tried to save her parents too, but you know, it's not like he has vampire speed or anything. When Elayna angsts about why she looks just like Katherine, Stefan drops another bombshell: Elayna was adopted! Seriously? I guess incest is big in Mystic Falls because apparently there's no way the two families could have hooked up in the last 150 years. Not only that but in a town the size of Mystic Falls is there really any way Elayna could have grown up without hearing something about being adopted? Sigh--and the melodrama continues.

In other events this episode...

*Alaric Saltzman flashes back to his wife (Mia Kirshner), ending with his discovery of Damon draining and killing her.

*Bonnie realizes her powers are gone. Gram tells her she needs to confront whatever scared them away. Stefan helps her get her mojo back.

*Stefan and Bonnie's Gram (Sheila) go way back. Bonnie's family have been loyal to Stefan--but Sheila warns him that her family comes before any other loyalty.

*Jeremy makes a nifty new friend (Anna, played by Malese Jow, Hannah Montana) and together they start realizing that vampires are real and hanging out in Mystic Falls. They're also cluing in that their ancestors knew about the vamps and made an effort to fight them.

*Aunt Jenna is useless...as usual.

Despite so much going on in every episode of The Vampire Diaries, nothing ever seems to actually happen--at least nothing that's not predictable, pointless, or just plain illogical. That's probably why I spend so much time checking the clock whenever I watch this show. Even with all the various plots, subplots and asides, there's really not much to hold my interest, and definitely nothing worth caring about. The Vampire Diaries has a lot of potential, but when it comes to a good story, potential just isn't enough.

Fang Files

Appearance: Human until the vampire comes out, then red-rimmed eyes, dark facial veins, prominent fangs.

Strengths: super strength, super speed, the ability to ascertain and dismiss physical trauma.

Weaknesses: Vervain, fire, two-by-fours wielded by other vampires

Mythology: As long as vampires regularly drink blood their bodies function as though they were still alive (that's why they can eat and drink). A starving vampire will initially be in a lot of pain but eventually their bodies desiccate and they (supposedly) no longer feel pain.

Sound Bites

Damon: (after Elayna regains consciousness and insists that he pull over immediately) Oh, you were so much more fun when you were asleep.

Elayna: Can I trust you?
Damon: (shrugs and smiles) Get in the car.

Elayna: I saved your life.
Damon: I know.
Elayna: And don't you forget it.

The Vampire Diaries, S1 E11 "Bloodlines." Written by Kevin Williamson, Julie Plec, and Sean Reycraft. Directed by Dave Barrett. From The CW.

Dark Slayer by Christine Feehan

Spoilers Ahead

I don't like having to review bad books. I really don't like reading them, but reviewing them just adds to an already unpleasant experience, especially when the publisher (in this case Penguin) was nice enough to send me a review copy. But I just can't say something is good when it isn't. Dark Slayer is not good.

The problem isn't with the story--a fairly standard fantasy/paranormal romance. Traumatized pair Ivory and her newfound "lifemate" Razvan team up to overcome their painful pasts while fighting the ultimate evil. Good triumphs and the heroes find redemption, but evil still lurks waiting to rear its ugly head once again (in the next book, of course). Nothing earth-shattering, but it could have been a decent literary distraction.

So what's the problem? Or, I should say, problems?

• Note to all writers of vampire fiction: There is only one Slayer and her name is Buffy Summers (Faith, Kendra, and Fray also count but, as you may have noticed, they're all from the Buffyverse). Calling any other characters "The Slayer" only brings Buffy to mind and makes you seem really unimaginative. Just accept it and use a thesaurus.
• With all the repetition in Dark Slayer, it probably could have been cut in half with no detriment whatsoever. I blame this one on the editor. Same goes for all the typos and grammatical errors.
  
• Writing 101: Show, don't tell. Exposition = bad. Endless exposition = really bad--and boring...and lazy... (The truly depressing part is that apparently Christine Feehan is a bestselling author. Why do people want to buy and read dreck when there are so many good books out there?)
• Worse than the exposition is the poetry. Dark Slayer is full of magical chants that were just painful to read. There is no excuse for lines like this:

I call to thee, Mother, who once held me tight,
Healing me whole so that I might continue the fight.

• Sexual Content Ahead: use your discretion. If life were fair all romance writers would have to take an extensive course in writing sex scenes. In the meantime, here's a few tips: (1) sex scenes should not gross out your readers "womb clenching," among other things mentioned, just sounds unpleasant; (2) if you must use euphemisms, at least go for ones that won't cause readers to roll their eyes-- "feminine channel"--really?; (3) lose the fetish for deflowering virgins; (4) at least have a grasp of anatomy--not only is it impossible for a man to penetrate "so deep he pierced her womb," but if that ever actually did happen it would be horrifying and excruciating. Not exactly sexy; (5) try to be consistent--how can you have flowery euphemisms next to words like clit? With all the womb clenching in her exotic feminine core as he invades her, I couldn't help alternating between laughter and revulsion, which I have to assume is not the effect the author was going for.

On a more amusing note, I was sent both these books for review at the same time (same publisher). What do you think--same cover model and designer? Both characters must be part of the union (Female Vampire Hunters and Widget Makers Local 443).

There were plenty of other problems with Dark Slayer that I didn't mention, but I think you get the idea. We've all got limited time for reading--why waste it on something less than brilliant? Although I wish it did, Dark Slayer just doesn't make the cut.

Fang Files

Carpathians vs Vampires: Although similar in a lot of ways, vampires and Carpathians are not the same.

Carpathians: Humans who are "turned" (not explained in this book). They live for centuries, are extremely difficult to kill, burned by sunlight, and need to drink blood.

Vampires: Carpathians who are turned, live forever, are extremely difficult to kill, burned by sunlight, and need to drink blood. But apparently they're foul creatures of pure evil.

Both groups heal quickly, shift forms (to animal, vapor, or simply a different appearance), can call down/control lightning, and are super strong. Carpathians also have magical abilities and are strongly connected to the earth. Vampires have acid blood, are toxic to the earth and infect with their bite. Only vampires are affected by holy objects.

Text Bite

Ivory, upon realizing that Razvan is her lifemate: She raised her face to the heavens, letting the snow cover it like a white mask. "Why now?" she asked softly. A plea. A prayer. "Why are you asking this of me now? Don't you think you've taken enough from me?" She stood waiting for an answer. Lightning to strike, maybe. Something. Anything. Her whispered entreaty was met with implacable silence.

Dark Slayer (part of the Carpathian series) by Christine Feehan. Also available as an e-book. From Penguin (Berkley).

True Blood S1 E11 "To Love Is to Bury"

Spoilers Ahead

Hell hath no fury like a telepathic woman who thinks she scorned. But more on that in a bit.

There's a lot going on in the second-last episode of True Blood's first season. We're treated to an unusual opening; the first one that doesn't start off exactly where the previous one left off. Bill went from draining Jessica at the end of episode 10 to digging a mutual grave at the beginning of "To Love Is to Bury." Not to worry--the grave is merely part of the process of turning a human into one of the undead. But just in case he gets any ideas about staking Jessica before she can be planted, Pam is there to supervise (and take a peek up Jessica's dress. I knew there was a reason I liked Pam). All the empathy Jessica inspired before she was killed melts away like a vamp's skin in sunlight when she rises and quickly proves herself to be a whiny brat. An immortal whiny brat at that. In a hurry to get back to Sookie, Bill can't deal with the fruit of his fangs for long; he convinces Eric to take her off his hands in exchange for being further in his debt. Silly Bill. He of all people should know that these things have a way of coming back to bite you. But he's a desperate man, so it's all understandable.

Empathy for Sookie is also rapidly diminishing. Instead of worrying about how Bill might be punished by the Tribunal for killing Long Shadow (in defense of her!) she's too busy dismissing "vampire politics" and complaining that he isn't there for her even though he surely must have felt her fear. For a girl who wasn't too afraid to take on the Rattrays singlehandedly only a couple of weeks before, she suddenly seems unduly dependent on Bill's protection. Self-centred much? It's a good thing she has Sam to take her mind off the man she claims to love (and wasn't she mad at Sam last episode?) After hunting down a lead on the killer, which Sookie gleaned from his chaotic thoughts, she and Sam get cozy on the couch. So who could blame Bill for being upset when he bursts in on them and finds Sam with his tongue halfway down Sookie's throat? Well, apparently Sookie can. She smashes a vase over his head, screams at him, and revokes his invitation, thus breaking the heart of anyone who has one as we're forced to watch Bill miserably back out of the house before getting the door slammed in his face. Then Sookie cements her new status as chief bitch by snapping at Sam and walking out on him. No wonder post-feminist men are confused.

Meanwhile, Tara's got herself into some trouble. Disbelieving her story about being distracted by a naked woman standing with a pig in the middle of the road (now who wouldn't believe that?) Tara's taken into the drunk tank (almost as humiliating as the deputy telling her she's turning into Lettie Mae). As if that wasn't bad enough, Lettie Mae gets all self-righteous after a prayer session and refuses to bail Tara out "for her own good," proving that religion is no better an addiction than alcohol. Left entirely on her own (she doesn't want her friends to see her), Tara reluctantly accepts the help of "social worker" Maryann Forrester (played by Michelle Forbes, who I will always think of as Ensign Ro Laren on Star Trek: TNG, even though she's been in tons of things since then, including Battlestar). The thing about Maryann is that she's the naked lady herself, although Tara doesn't recognize her. She also seems unusually well-off for a lowly social worker, as well as a little too interested in helping Tara. I also caught something the second time I watched this episode that I didn't catch the first time around. As Detective Bellefleur is reaming Maryann out for parking where she shouldn't, she says his name and points at him: it's subtle but she's definitely working some magics there. I'm wondering if her little spell took the alcoholism out of Tara and put it onto Andy; why else did he suddenly go from not having a drink for years (mentioned in episode 9 or 10) to becoming a raging drunk? Just a thought but I believe I'm onto something. In any case, there's something up with Ms. Forrester (Sam's statement in the last episode that there are "all kinds" of other creatures out there certainly springs to mind).

Jason's kept busy dealing with the aftermath of Amy killing Eddie. A major altercation leaves him reluctant to return home, but after admitting his concerns about her V use (conveniently leaving out his own) to Hoyt and Rene, they offer him advice and convince him to go home. Amy, all sweetness when she wants to be, agrees that the V has got to go...but not until they enjoy it one last time (some pretentious nonsense about closing a circle). She applies the pressure, albeit not too hard, and Jason agrees to go along with her. Unfortunately for them, someone else decides to join them while they're passed out on the vampire blood. As Jason hallucinates/dreams frolicking with Amy, the interloper chokes her with his belt. Amy floats away and Jason wakes up to find her dead body lying next to him. He ends up turning himself in and giving a not-very convincing confession to the murders of Amy, Maudette, and Dawn. He doesn't remember doing any of it but he must have because no one else was there, right? But as everyone is distracted with Jason, no one at the Sheriff's department notices the fax that comes through: the one sent in response to Sookie and Sam's inquiries. It turns out that the girl Sookie saw in the killer's thoughts (Cindy Marshall) had a brother (Drew) who conveniently disappeared right after she was killed and before he could be investigated. The fax shows his picture; it seems Rene's got a secret and not-so-pleasant past. I was really hoping it wouldn't be him but there have been enough hints along the way. Quel dommage.

Okay, so "To Love Is to Bury" is not only moving forward the conclusion of season 1, but it's also setting things up for season 2. Whatever else happens I really hope it includes an end to the relationship drama between Sookie and Bill. With serial killers, vampires, shapeshifters, "other creatures," and nutty humans in abundance, I think we've already got all the excitement we could want. A little actual romance between the romantic leads might be a nice chance of pace.

Fang Files

Appearance: Pale humans with snake-like fangs that descend at will.

Strengths: super speed, super strength.

Weaknesses: New vampires are emotionally out of control. Blood lust (the temptation to kill humans isn't helped by the unpleasant taste of Tru Blood). Vampires need invitations to enter private homes, and are compelled to leave if the invite is revoked.

Mythology: In order to complete the change, a vampire needs to drain a human's blood before spending the day buried together in the ground. If the half-changed human is staked before being buried, they won't become a vampire.

Sound Bites

Bill: You drank from me. Your blood was replaced with mine. And then I shared my essence with you when we slept together in the ground.
Jessica: Ewwww...
Bill: No, no, no--not intercourse.
Jessica: You just said intercourse.

Lafayette: (watching in shock as his State Senator lover/client goes on about "family values" on TV) Did you hear what he just said?
Terry: I can't listen to politicians no more--I get a seizure.

God Hates Fangs (poster in police station)

True Blood, Season1 Episode 11 "To Love Is to Bury." Written by Nancy Oliver and Charlaine Harris. Directed by Nancy Oliver. From HBO.

Angel #25

Spoilers Ahead

Wow--when I reviewed Angel #24 way back in August, I had no idea it would take me this long to get to issue #25. Hope it was worth the wait...

When we last saw Drusilla, she was in the process of escaping the confines of a pre-Fall LA insane asylum, on her way to unleashing her psychotic self on an unsuspecting city. Well, she never quite makes it outside the asylum. After indulging in a minor massacre, interspersed with memories of Angelus killing her family and turning her, Dru is suddenly overcome with visions of LA's imminent trip to hell. For some reason she decides to start drawing everything she's seeing, which is strange as that's hardly Drusilla's M.O. I'm also not really enjoying it as a plot device, but I think that's just me more than anything. It's actually pretty brilliant in a comics context. In a Drusilla context, however, I don't think it works (part of her immense charm is her speech).

Anyway, she apparently missed a couple of the doctors on her killing spree and they suddenly show up and start psychoanalyzing her through her drawings. Never mind about restraining her or--better still--keeping their distance from the woman who just slaughtered an entire hospital full of people; no, no--let's stop and look at the pretty drawings instead. She does warn them to run and save themselves, but of course they think it's all part of her delusions. Somehow she then has time to create an elaborate, full-colour drawing of a group of people glaring out at her. I recognize a few people in the group: her chaos demon ex, a doctor she killed in the last issue, the Anointed One, and--although it's hard to tell for sure--the nerdy vampire minion Dalton whom she handed over to The Judge in the Buffy episode "Surprise." I guess these are all supposed to be people she's wronged. The next thing we know she's vamping out and the entire group from her drawing is in the room--which seems to have attained warehouse-like proportions--with her.

The end is left ambiguous. Is Drusilla in her own hell? Has she somehow made it to to a more pleasant afterlife? Is it all just part of her insanity? Will we see her again? If there are answers to these questions, we're not about to find out anytime soon. There's also a repeated focus on a jewelled pendant in the flashback scenes--will it end up being important in future issues? Maybe, maybe not--but it didn't seem to go anywhere in this issue.

The artwork is nice in issue #25, particularly Franco Urru's cover; I can't get over how perfectly he's captured the essence of Drusilla. Inside, colour is used to full advantage, using limited palettes for the present and past, almost lurid colour for Dru's drawings, and light-filled tones for the ambiguous ending. Very nice indeed. There's some interesting framing, as well--you won't get bored looking at this issue, that's for sure.

There's also a few bonus pages of Juliet Landau photos where she's trying on different characters (the female Tyler Durden ones are great, but the ones of her as a blonde make me want to break out the black hair dye on her behalf). There are a couple of bonus pages of artwork too.

I have to say, though, that I found this issue fairly unsatisfying overall. Although the focus was Drusilla, there didn't seem to be enough of her. It also didn't resolve anything (like how did she end up in an insane asylum in the first place?) There are a lot of advantages to storytelling in comic format--namely the ability to have anything happen--but there are disadvantages as well. In a universe as elaborate as the Buffyverse, all too often we seem to be left with gaps and loose ends. To think you can capture all the storytelling ability of an episode of Buffy or Angel in one or two issues of a comic is ludicrous. I'm really hoping we have fewer one-offs and asides and more issues to do with the overall story arc. It's tiring to always be left with unanswered questions.

Text Bite

Drusilla: I wonder how long this will last?

Angel Issue #25; art by Franco Urru. Written by Juliet Landau and Brian Lynch. From IDW Publishing.