Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter Trailer

This. Looks. Awesome. And you definitely can't go wrong with a voiceover by Johnny Cash. June 22 can't come soon enough.

Being Human (UK) S1 E5

Spoilers Ahead

Just when everything was going so well suddenly it seems like it's all about to fall apart. Not so good for the characters but high on the scale of entertaining for us.

Episode 5 starts with the usual voiceover narration, only this time it's Herrick that's doing the talking. Interesting choice. It elevates Herrick from being the two-dimensional villain lurking in the background to being a person, maybe even one we should care about. And yet the more human he seems to be (he could probably teach our heroes a thing or two about being human) the more his evil acts stand out. He's not just the bad guy--he really is a monster.

In any case as Herrick narrates we see Lauren and Mitchell kissing before Mitchell stalks away. In a flashback we watch Owen visiting Annie's body in the morgue; he puts on a show of tears while he thinks he's being watched but as soon as he's alone a smug smile takes over. And finally we see Nina and George acting like any other normal couple getting ready in the morning. Yet George can barely take his eyes off Nina's horrible abdominal scars, a mixture of confusion and concern on his features (and maybe a hint of vengeance--or am I reading into it too much?)

After the introductory scenes we find Owen at the house, although I'm not sure why he would be there. Suddenly he sees Annie's reflection in a CD and hears echoes of screams. That freaks him out enough that he leaves in a hurry. It also gives Annie the idea, which she later relates to George, that she's going to haunt Owen. She thinks that's why she's still there (as a ghost). There's some nice camera work in this scene that carries over into the rest of the episode (I'm not sure if it's always been this way and I'm only now noticing or if it's a new style). Shots are filmed from behind objects giving the whole thing a very extemporaneous and natural feel. It's like we're voyeurs, not viewers, watching the details of someone else's life. I like it.

Annie practices her haunting techniques with George but she can't quite seem to get the hang of it. Especially if she wants to make Owen cry, beg, scream, and ultimately confess. She's such a sweet character and Owen is such a bastard it's difficult to conceive how she'll ever get to move on. Still, she feels ready enough to have George call Owen over with a fake plumbing complaint.

When Owen shows up he lets himself in. And finally comes face to face with the ghost of his murdered fiancee. At first Owen freaks. But as Annie gives a pretty decent rendition of the speech she was practicing with George, ending with a command for Owen to confess, something changes. Instead of being scared anymore he starts laughing. Then he starts mocking her. Annie is taken aback and visibly starts losing confidence, even flinching at his words. Owen clearly couldn't care less about her, dead or alive.

Later, after Owen leaves and George returns, Annie and George are left confused as to what she can do next. She decides she'd better pay Owen's new girlfriend, Janey, a visit, or else he'll eventually do the same thing to her that he did to Annie. When Mitchell finally shows up at home, Annie tries to tell him what's been going on but he's less than interested. I'm not sure what tips him off but George guesses that Mitchell is back with the other vampires. Mitchell tries to justify it, claiming it's different now--they're helping people. George and Annie can't believe what they're hearing. Mitchell goes off on an anti-human rant, claiming they're the real monsters and that he, George, and Annie could never be like them. As he speaks he points a knife for emphasis and as the camera focuses on the knife we get a glimpse of the dark side of Mitchell, something we haven't really seen. But he still doesn't seem truly bad. He's hurt and disenchanted and lost, and his actions are a response to that. Who hasn't been in his shoes? The problem is he can take his hurt feelings a lot further than the average person: For one, he can hand dying patients at the hospital over to Herrick for possible turning. Sure, they have the option of declining but how many people facing their own mortality would? How many would stop to really think about what the vampires are offering? Even Mitchell hasn't fully considered it.

Salvation for Mitchell arrives in the form of an old (literally) girlfriend, whom he runs into at the hospital. Now probably in her 60s or 70s, Josie is dying of lung cancer. She already knows about Mitchell so it's no big deal for him to suggest that Herrick speak with her. After all, Herrick wants people to turn and Mitchell wants to help someone he cares about. But afterwards Mitchell is surprised to find that Josie is less than impressed. She calls Herrick's offer a trick and claims the vampires are robbing people of their humanity by denying them mortality. She also says she believes that Mitchell asked Herrick to talk to her because Mitchell knew she would talk sense into him. Josie then finds George and warns him that not only is Mitchell in serious trouble but that the vampires are planning a major coup. Too bad George is at a complete loss about what to do.

After having his beliefs questioned by Josie, Mitchell goes looking for Herrick. Instead he finds a locked room in the basement of the vampires' lair. Breaking in he finds that the room is full of sickly, terrified people. They're been bled basically to death and one of them admits to Mitchell that when they arrived there were other peoples' clothes and toys already there. Creepy. Mitchell is horrified.

That's when Herrick and his goons find Mitchell and bring up a good point: what exactly did Mitchell think would happen once the vampires achieve their goal and all the humans are turned into vampires? They still have to eat and only fresh human blood works. It seemed pretty obvious to me that some people would have to be kept as, well, livestock but Mitchell acts like this is news to him. He announces that he can't do this and that he's out. But there's no walking away now. Mitchell realizes that Herrick will kill him and he accepts it.

Meanwhile, Annie's gone to warn Janey it's not working out so well. First Janey faints. Then she freaks and locks herself in the bathroom, where she refuses to believe anything Annie tells her. When Owen comes home Janey runs to him, crying and claiming she's losing her mind. He pretends he doesn't see Annie, all the while saying things to Janey that on the surface seem supportive but are actually meant to be hurtful to Annie. This is one seriously evil guy.

George comes home to a catatonic Annie on the sofa. She says that Owen's beaten her--she can't touch him. But George doesn't have time for self-pitying ghosts. He tells her that Mitchell needs her and if she can't get up to help him then she's done to herself what Owen could never do to her and she's finally dead. That does the trick. They head to the vampires' hangout even though they don't have a clue what they're going to do. They're greeted by Seth and tell him they want to see Herrick. Of course he refuses but there's an amusing exchange as he goes all fanboy over the fact that Annie is a ghost. George and Annie then bring out their pretty unimpressive fighting skills but they catch a break when Seth sees George's Star of David and shrinks back, giving George a chance to knock him out.

A minute later they burst in on Mitchell, Herrick and the other vampires and from there it's all chaos. They run through the building until Seth finally corners them. Out of nowhere he's staked from behind by Lauren. And the running starts again. When they get outside Lauren stops and tells Mitchell that she knows she's evil and she can't live like that anymore. Since Mitchell brought her into this world she wants him to take her out. At first he insists he can't do it but she basically begs him so he gives in, staking her. Just before she dies she says that Herrick needs to be stopped. It's a surprisingly touching and sad moment. After all the drama with Lauren I never expected her to be killed off, especially not by Mitchell.

It's a little surprising that the next scene features Owen, but it soon makes sense. He's brimming over with smugness as he lets himself into the house. Waiting for him inside are Annie, Mitchell, and George. He claims he got their message and then goes on a ridiculous diatribe about how getting away with murder has made him a god. It's pretty laughable when you consider who he's talking to but they keep silent as he goes on. Finally Annie speaks. She tells Owen he should have asked himself what else (besides ghosts) is out there. Her speech is much better this time, especially when she tops it off with whispering in his ear the "very worst thing in the world" that only the dead know. Then she advises him to find a safe place and never, ever turn off the light.

This time Owen leaves crying and freaking out, wandering the streets like someone caught in a really bad drug trip. Finally he ends up at a police station where he claims they need to keep him safe. See, he killed his girlfriend and now she lives with a vampire and a werewolf and they're going to torture him so he needs to be kept safe. Well, guess that's the end of Owen. It's slightly anticlimactic--I would have liked to see him gibbering in a cell or encased in a strait jacket in a padded room but knowing he'll face justice will have to do.

Back at the house Annie refuses to tell the guys what she whispered to Owen. Instead she's wondering what's going to happen next. Suddenly her door to the other side appears. As George starts panicking about losing her she doesn't want to go through the door but she knows she really should. As she hugs the guys and is about to open the door, there's suddenly a knock. She and George scream and Mitchell ends up laughing because the knock came from their front door. He decides Annie can't leave while someone's knocking, so he answers it. And there's Herrick with a stake, which he proceeds to drive into Mitchell's chest.

Herrick can't come in so George slams the door on him. Mitchell is bleeding a lot and is clearly dying. Annie is panicking. George takes charge and calls for help while telling her to go through her door while she can. As Annie looks back and forth between her door and Mitchell the entire scene fades to white.

So did she go through? Is Mitchell going to be okay? How do you save a vampire who's been staked? And how the hell is anyone going to be able to stop Herrick? Don't you love a show that can keep you guessing?

Fang Files

Appearance: Human, until the vampire emerges--then pure black eyes and sharp, prominent fangs. A dead vampire turns to ash.

Strengths: Organized, loyal to one another.

Weaknesses: Cruelty, insistence on conformity. Stakes. They shrink back from religious symbols (e.g., a star of David). Can only be satisfied by fresh human blood.

Mythology: Vampires have lived in Bristol (UK) since the 1630s and have been prominent citizens in the government. A vampire needs an invitation into a private residence.

Sound Bites

Mitchell: [to Herrick and the other vampires] I just want to say thank you for taking me back. I've seen what humanity is really like and this is where I belong. I'm home now.

Herrick: Our very existence is a union of life and death.

Annie: [re: haunting Owen] It's not just about justice--it's more...jagged than that.

Mitchell: [re: turning people into vampires en masse] It's evolution.
Josie: Never a birth. Never a death. That's not evolution--that's full stop.

Mitchell: [As Annie is about to go through her door to the other side] You're lucky. Most people don't get a chance to say goodbye.
Annie: I know but...fucking hell!
George: You might want to have different last words.

Being Human (UK), Season 1 Episode 5. Written by Toby Whithouse. Directed by Colin Teague. From The BBC.

Demon Girl by Penelope Fletcher

Spoilers Ahead

I don't know about you but I love e-books and e-readers. That's not to say I've given up on traditional books--they're still my favourite and always will be. But e-readers let me hang on to way more books than my already-full shelves will allow. They let me check out books I might not otherwise be interested in. They save my hands in winter (anyone else notice that paper just sucks the moisture right out of skin?) And most importantly they give a voice to writers who wouldn't stand a chance in the deeply flawed traditional publishing industry (sorry but when a semi-literate like Snooki can get a book deal while unknown--but excellent--writers get passed over, you know there's a problem...) Thanks to my Kindle I discovered Penelope Fletcher's voice in her debut novel, Demon Girl.

I have to start by mentioning the cover. I know we're not supposed to judge a book by its cover but in truth you can gauge a lot about a book that way. I've seen a lot of really bad covers among the e-books, mostly involving terrible computer graphics and cheesy/random stock photos. Demon Girl's cover is as pretty and well-designed as anything put out by a traditional publisher. Good job.

As for the story, it's part one of a three (or more?) part paranormal series. Rae Wilder lives in a world where the few remaining humans huddle behind a protected wall, hiding from the vicious demons running wild on the outside. Human society is ruled by the Sect and their Clerics, a draconian bunch who seek and destroy demon-kind wherever they find it. But Rae isn't an average human--she's stronger, faster, and has the irresistible desire to break the rules and explore beyond the wall. What she doesn't expect is to find a pair of Clerics torturing and killing a helpless--and harmless--young female fairy. When they hear Rae she knows she has to run, and when they let the tracking dogs loose she's in serious trouble.

From there Rae's life becomes one complicated mess. When her terror of the Clerics triggers the unbinding of a spell that's been masking her true "demon" (that is, fairy) nature behind a glamour of humanity she's no longer sure where she stands. As if discovering you're not actually human isn't enough of a shock she unwillingly becomes bonded to Braendan, a fellow fairy, and even more unwillingly ends up with a blood bond to vampire Tomas (naturally fairies and vamps aren't supposed to get along). While she's trying to get a grasp on her true nature and new reality she becomes enmeshed in the unpleasant--and violent--world of fairy politics and manipulations. Pretty overwhelming stuff.

Fletcher has come up with a good concept, but the execution is more often shaky than not. The interesting story is repeatedly bogged down by some truly illogical plot devices (why would Rae even consider returning to the Clerics' world after discovering she's a demon?) Rae also suffers from starting off as a pretty cool character who ends up frequently annoying and useless, whining her way through the book and passing out continually. The character of the White Witch is also pretty pointless. Luckily Braendan and Tomas are likeable-. Both are charming enough that they'll draw female readers right in, they're sensible, they're protective of Rae (again something maybe female readers will appreciate more) and they can kick serious ass. You can easily see why she's torn between them (I also kept wishing she'd follow their examples).

The book also suffers from poor editing. There are tons of mistakes throughout that are both distracting and annoying. A good editor could have also smoothed out the problems I mentioned above. Skimping on editing is the number one thing not to do as an author. And your friends don't count. On the other hand, as much as I can't stand editing issues, I still kept reading (sometimes staying up way too late as I had to see what happened next). That's got to count for something.

I thought the end of the book was done well--without giving too much away, enough got resolved so that it was satisfying but not so much that it was a little too tidy. There's plenty left to keep up interest in the rest of the series and I have a feeling (or at least a hope) that Rae will continue to evolve as a character.

Fletcher was only 23 when she wrote this book, which leaves a lot of time for future improvement. But the potential for her talent is definitely there and Demon Girl, despite all its issues, was still good enough that I bought the second book in the series. If you've got an e-reader I recommend giving Demon Girl a go. Support young talent and get your vampire fix while you're at it.

Fang Files

Appearance: Sickly pale human with red-ringed eyes and long, sharp fangs that descend when hungry, angry or excited. Their eyes become all black when the vampire fully emerges. Dead vampires turn to ash.

Strengths: Ability to hypnotize humans. Super strength and speed. Heightened senses. No need to breathe. Their bites initially hurt but then feel pleasurable to the victim. Quick healing.

Weaknesses: Sunlight, stakes, silver, decapitation, blood lust, starvation.

Mythology: A vampire's human body has died so they have no breath, heartbeat or body heat. Vampires need invitations into private residences. Vampires organize themselves into nests. Cannot turn humans--they are genetically mutated humans.

Text Bite

"The dead ones were not the kind of demons people dressed up to make scarier than they actually were. Vampires were the creatures you made nicer in stories to that you didn't pass out when reports came your way one had breached the Wall and eaten a few homeless people."

"People said vampires were soulless, and I did not agree. They had souls, dark ones. Here I must say I also believed there were different kinds of dark. There was a dark that was evil and cruel, and there was a dark that was solitary and simply absent of light."

Demon Girl: Book One of the Rae Wilder Novels by Penelope Fletcher.

The Vampire Diaries S3 E9 "Homecoming"

Spoilers Ahead

It's weird: I keep hearing from other people about how great this season of TVD is and I keep wondering if we're watching the same season. I don't know--I'm just finding it overwhelmingly lacklustre. The pacing is rushed, the writing is uninspired, the acting is meh (even from Ian, which sucks as much as it is surprising). As I'm watching I keep checking the clock to see if it's almost over. Not a good sign. That being said "Homecoming" wasn't bad. It wasn't great, but it wasn't horrible, either. Although, in the end, isn't that just another way of saying it was disappointing?

If you'll recall last episode Michael showed up and promised Stefan that he would kill Klaus--if Stefan could lure him back to Mystic Falls. And if Stefan couldn't manage the task? Then Michael would kill him instead. Death threats--the ultimate motivational tool. Anyway, this episode starts off with Stefan giving Klaus a call. The Original Hybrid is off in Portland making himself a group of hybrid playmates. Stefan informs him that Michael has been daggered (anyone else bothered by the use of the word dagger as a verb?) Of course Klaus is going to have to come back to see this for himself and to finish daddy off while he's there.

Klaus's return coincides with the Big Event happening this episode: Homecoming. Okay, do we really need to have an event every single episode? As a plot device it's getting old, and it wasn't that interesting to begin with. You know, things can happen within a story even without a large gathering. Anyway, our heroes decide to take advantage of the dance to trap and kill Klaus. While Elena stresses that too many things can go wrong with their plan, Damon comes up with a secret contingency plan of his own.

Elena is right to worry. Things start going awry when the school gym floods and the party has to be moved to Ty's house. Right away Bonnie notices that there are a lot of people there who they don't know. We find out why a moment later as Ty chats with Stefan. It turns out this isn't Ty's party--it's Klaus's. And it's not Homecoming anymore, it's a wake for Michael. The strangers are Klaus's new hybrids. I hope Damon's contingency plan took all this into account.

Klaus tells Stefan that as soon as Michael is permanently dead it'll be time to reunite the family. He's confident none of his siblings will mind being staked and stuck in coffins for years/decades/centuries. He also promises Stefan that as soon as Michael is dead he'll free Stefan from the compulsion he's under.

Back at Salvatore central, Damon and Michael are preparing for the big moment. When Stefan shows up to tell them it's time, Damon lets him know they have a plan--but it doesn't involve him. At that point Michael pounces on Stefan and drains him. I guess being drained of blood doesn't actually kill a vampire, which--now that I think about it--makes sense since the tomb vampires survived for more than a century with no blood. Damon's still shocked, though, having expected Michael to do something simple, like break Stefan's neck. Doesn't stop him from leaving to kill Klaus, though.

Speaking of, as Klaus waits for Stefan to get back with Michael's body he has a chat with Ty. He starts off by telling Ty that he compelled his mother to go to church and pray for Ty's friends. I found that pretty funny (just the image of Carol Lockwood on her knees in a church...) Ty's more confused than amused. Klaus then goes on to point out all his hybrids, who also all happen to be sired. He lets it be known that if Ty's friends make any move whatsoever against him, his hybrids may feel "obligated to retaliate." Then he urges Ty to warn his friends.

Ty starts with Caroline. She insists she doesn't know anything about what might be happening that night but even if she did she wouldn't tell him because he's "sired to Team Klaus" and can't be trusted. So he shoots her up with vervain and gets Matt to get her and everyone else out of there. Must be fun to be Matt: when you're not in danger from all the paranormal beings around you, you're stuck running errands for them. He's got to be at the top of the useless characters list.

Klaus also has a chat with Elena, letting her know that whatever she's got planned to give it her best shot because she won't succeed. Elena spends the conversation acting twitchy, which certainly doesn't tip Klaus off that something's in the works.

After Ty takes care of Caroline he heads back to the party only to be intercepted by Damon. I'm not even sure why they start fighting but Ty tries to bite Damon. Just as Damon is about to stake Ty (with Michael's super special stake, no less) both of them grab their heads in pain. That would be Bonnie interfering. She stops before Damon passes out but Ty is now out of the equation. Damon tells Bonnie he's there with the stake because he's the only one who could get into the house. At least that makes sense.

When Klaus is told he has a visitor at the door named Michael, he doesn't seem at all surprised. He orders his hybrids to all move out back and then goes to the door, where it turns out Michael really is waiting. So much for the element of surprise (by the way, since it seems Originals can't enter homes without invitations I have to ask again how Rebekah waltzed into the Salvatores' place a couple of episodes back. Anyone remember her being invited?) Klaus is careful not to cross the threshold as his hybrids surround Michael. Not at all concerned, Michael mocks and taunts Klaus, and points out that his hybrids are still half-vampire and can, therefore, still be compelled by him. Looks like the hybrids are backing up dad.

Hybrid Mindy steps onto the scene holding on to Elena. Michael then threatens Klaus to come out and face him or else Elena--and his ability to make hybrids--dies. Michael doesn't just like to stick the knife in, he also likes to twist it. Some of his taunts to Klaus are downright cruel. Michael might have a point but you can see why Klaus is so damaged, having been raised by someone like that. I also have to give kudos to the actor and director for having Klaus cry without it being cheesy or trite. Without naming names I have seen the single-tear-rolling-down-the-cheek bit way too many times and at this point it just makes me laugh. But this show seems to get it right so good on them. Anyway, Klaus calls Michael's bluff and the next thing we know Elena is getting a knife in the back.

As Klaus stands stunned, Damon shows up behind him and drives the stake into his gut. The heart is a little to the north, my friend. But just as he is about to stake Klaus properly Stefan shows up out of nowhere and holds Damon down. Klaus takes the opportunity to grab the stake and use it on Michael, who screams and promptly burns to nothing. So, that's it for Michael, huh? The huge threat who's been hunting Klaus for 1000 years and who--if woken--would kill them all because he's such a badass. Colour me underwhelmed. This show has a problem with massive build-ups and anticlimactic resolutions.

As for Elena, it turns out she was actually Katherine. She gets up after the stabbing (surprising Michael, who thought it really was Elena and stabbed her anyway), tosses a couple of wolfsbane grenades at the hybrids, and promptly disappears. Damon also disappears. But Klaus is satisfied and grants Stefan his freedom.

Back at his place, Damon is Pissed. He has no idea what went wrong or why Stefan double-crossed them. Elena is a calming influence, reassuring him that they'll survive this. I wish these two would just get together already--they're clearly stupid for each other. If I were Elena I'd grab Damon and take off, far, far away from Mystic Falls. It's not like she has any reason to stay there. But I guess that's why no one would make a TV show out of my life. At least she agrees that Stefan's not coming back and they have to let him go.

As they're talking Damon gets a call from Katherine. She's just calling to say goodbye because she's going back into hiding. Is Klaus really still pissed at her? Anyway, after they hang up she tells someone sitting next to her that Damon doesn't know where it all went wrong. It turns out to be Stefan next to her and he replies that Damon doesn't need to know. She drops him off at the side of the road and we're treated to a flashback to the party. When Klaus was talking to "Elena" he tells her something we didn't see before: if he dies, Damon will die along with him. His hybrids have orders even after he's gone.

From there Katherine revives Stefan and tells him what's happening. She's counting on him to care enough to save Damon. That's a big risk she's taking there. She insists it's their only option because if they call off the plan entirely they'll have to deal with Michael's wrath. But...didn't Michael compel the hybrids? He couldn't have compelled them not to kill Damon? Uh, Vampire Diaries, your plot hole is showing.

Back in the present again Katherine informs Stefan that she wanted to save him as well, or rather, to save his humanity since she liked the old Stefan better. She also claims that no matter how much vampires try to shut their humanity off it always tries to fight its way back in. Stefan says he doesn't want to let his emotions back in, not after everything he's done (*cough*coward*cough*) but Katherine needs him to feel so that he can do what she needs him to do next: get mad.

If you're wondering where Rebekah's been through all this, she's having an epically bad day. Not only has she recently found out that her beloved brother Klaus is the person actually responsible for killing their mother, but now she's going to help kill him (let's just say she's having mixed feelings). On top of that she has some major daddy issues (she blames Michael for turning them all into vampires and destroying their family). And it gets worse. As she's getting ready for her first ever high school dance Elena shows up with Rebekah's necklace (aka Elena's necklace/the first witch's necklace/the necklace that wouldn't die). More emotional upheaval for poor Rebekah (even I'm starting to feel sorry for her). On the bright side she doesn't have a chance to wreck her makeup crying because a moment later Elena shoves a dagger through her back and into her heart. Elena had good reason (she couldn't risk Rebekah turning on them and helping Klaus) but still--that was cold.

Ty and Caroline are also on the emotional upheaval train. She's (rightly) upset that he's spending so much time with Rebekah, not to mention the whole sired by Klaus thing. After he knocks her out and she regains consciousness in her own bed she has serious trust issues with him. Ty tries to explain that it's worth it for him to be under Klaus's control because his life is better now. Thanks to Klaus he doesn't have to go through the pain of turning at the full moon (or at all). And he doesn't want Caroline to give up on him. Unfortunately for Ty, Caroline just can't deal with him anymore. High school love--so fickle.

The episode ends with Klaus getting a call from Stefan, who lets him know that since he took everything from Stefan, he's returning the favour. As Stefan is saying this Klaus discovers that the coffins containing his family are gone. Klaus's instant response is to threaten to kill Stefan and everyone he knows. Stefan's not too concerned, though, because if Klaus kills him he'll never get his family back. Then he asks Klaus whether, since he spent the entire episode talking about how he's been one step ahead for the last 1000 years, he was prepared for this.

Like I said, not really a bad episode but that plot hole--along with other lesser issues--ensures it's not a good one, either. And I feel that this describes the entire season. A few bad episodes are understandable and forgivable but I think we've passed that limit on TVD. Come on, guys--bring back the inspiration of season 2.

Fang Files

Appearance: Pale human until the vampire emerges, then dark/red eyes, dark facial veins and prominent fangs. Hybrids' appearances change depending on which aspect is dominating (wolf or vampire).

Strengths: Ability to compel humans. Originals can also compel other vampires. Can feed on human, animal, or vampire blood. Resistant to most ways of being killed. Fast healing. Ability to turn emotions/humanity on or off at will.

Weaknesses: Werewolf/hybrid bites. Witchcraft. Vervain. Stakes. An Original vampire can be temporarily killed only by a special dagger dipped in the ashes of an ancient white oak tree. An Original can be permanently killed only by a stake made from that oak tree. A regular vampire can't use the dagger on an Original without dying themselves.

Mythology: Michael basically invented vampires by using magic to make himself and his children immortal (the blood lust and other drawbacks were unintended side effects). These are the Original vampires. To be "sired" means that a vampire has an unusually strong connection and loyalty to their maker, putting their maker's needs above their own. Vampires need an invitation into a private residence.

Sound Bites

Klaus: [on the phone to Stefan] Portland is fantastic--once you get over all the whiny music and healthy-looking people. [Side note: isn't Seattle the place for whiny music?]

Elena: We can't trust Rebekah not to turn on us.
Damon: Oh, really? 'Cause, you know, vampires are usually so reliable.

Ty: [to Caroline] I'm here hanging streamers and I have glitter all over my hands. If I'm sired to anybody it's to you.

Damon: Do you trust me?
Elena: Yes.
Damon: Then you have nothing to worry about.

Damon: [to Michael] Why feed on vampires? Don't tell me it's for the smooth aftertaste.

Doorman: Invite only, vampire.
Damon: Here's my RSVP, [rips out the guy's heart and tosses it on him] hybrid.

The Vampire Diaries, Season 3 Episode 9 "Homecoming." Written by Evan Bleiweiss. Directed by Joshua Butler. From The CW.

True Blood S4 E8 "Spellbound"

Spoilers Ahead

The post-holidays are upon us and with that comes a return to real life. Well, we knew it had to happen sooner or later. But what better way to welcome the new year than with hot vampires? You could do a lot worse.

Let's get the non-vampire events out of the way...

While Alcide is still unsure that the Shreveport werewolf pack is the one for him, Debbie is more than ready to settle down. Even Marcus is impressed with him when he steps in to stop a fight between two of the younger members. Speaking of Marcus, he's instructed the weres to keep out of the vampire-witch conflict, mainly because he's sure the vampires will win and--much as they all hate to admit it--weres are no match for vamps. This prompts Debbie to make Alcide promise to stay away from Sookie because Sookie comes with vampires.

Elsewhere, Sam goes to see Luna and, with the help of her young daughter, manages to finagle an invite for dinner. They're both still upset about what Tommy did but she's at least starting to acknowledge that it wasn't Sam's fault. As they're having dinner suddenly Marcus barges in. Remember when Luna said her ex was a psycho werewolf? Yeah. He's less than impressed that "his" woman is hanging out with a shifter (but aren't Luna and Emma shifters?) and that his daughter really likes said shifter. When Luna threatens to call his parole officer if he causes trouble he decides he's going to make Sam pay. Sigh. Why can't people just get along?

Meanwhile Tommy, having been banished by Sam, breaks into Maxine's and steals some of her personal items. Then he shifts into Maxine and meets with the representative of the gas company that wants to buy the leasing rights to Maxine's land. Tommy has to be the world's worst bargainer but he does get a small cheque from the guy. At least enough to get him out of Bon Temps. Mind you, he makes it as far as the woods before he collapses, sick from the shift.

You'd think with everything else going on there wouldn't be time for anything more. And yet... Terry and Arlene have to bring baby Mikey in with them to work. As they argue about keeping an eye on him the ghost lady shows up and starts singing to Mikey. Suddenly Lafayette shows up and sees her. And she sees him as well. Later as Lafayette sleeps at home the ghost lady shows up. We're treated to a flashback/dream in which we see her before she was a ghost. Once upon a time she was a happy new mother bringing home a doll (the creepy one that now belongs to Mikey) to her baby son. Unfortunately the baby's father--a married white man--has taken it upon himself to make it so no one will ever know about the child or his affair with a "negresse" (her word, but I think there's something sad and elegant about it). As she begs to see her baby one last time Lafayette wakes and the ghost possesses him. Now that he's been taken over by the ghost lady, Lafayette ambles over to the Bellefleur place and grabs Mikey while everyone else is asleep. It's hard not to feel sorry for the ghost woman.

As if all that wasn't enough, there's still plenty more happening with the vampires and witches. If you'll recall the last episode, Jessica--under Antonia's spell--had just thrown open Bill's front doors to greet the sun. Jason had been running to save her but got held up by one of Bill's guards (I guess there's such a thing as too much security). Just as Jessica starts turning into a crispy critter Jason tackles her. He manages to shut the doors with his foot but then he has to contend with a furious, out-of-control vampire.

Jessica's about to sink her fangs into Jason's neck when the witches end the spell. She returns to her senses and then kisses Jason in gratitude for saving her. She then immediately apologizes but they both end up kissing each other. Disturbingly they keep kissing as Bill calls out for her despondently, thinking she's dead.

Eventually they manage to break apart and Jason carries her downstairs where Bill is relieved to see her still alive. Unfortunately there's a chance the witches will redo the spell so Jason has to silver Jessica all over again, even more heavily than before (ouch) so that they can be safe until nightfall. Bill and Jason also make a deal that Jason won't report the dead guard in the cell (Jessica killed him in order to escape but she doesn't remember) if Bill will overlook the guard outside whom Jason shot in the shoulder in order to get to Jessica.

Once it is safe and Jessica has healed and gone home, Hoyt is thrilled to see her. She's not quite as happy. She tells him she wants to move out and he immediately starts crying, whining and even begging her to stay. She's getting increasingly annoyed with him and when he claims he'll die if she leaves she obliges and kills him. Yeah, you probably shouldn't say things like that to vampires. Outside Jason is waiting for her in his truck. He thinks she looks hot spattered with blood and want to have sex. Right now. He also wants her to bite him while they're having sex. Jessica once again is happy to oblige.

And then she wakes up.

But maybe reality is worse than her dream. When Jess really does get home Hoyt doesn't even acknowledge her. She tells him that she loves him but she wants to break up. There's definitely no crying or whining from him. Instead he gets angry, shouts at her and says all kinds of really hurtful things (she doesn't deserve him, he wants someone who can give him daylight and kids...) Finally he tells her to get the fuck out and revokes her invitation. Clearly Jessica is not the monster in this relationship. And it sucks because they were such a good couple in the beginning. I think I need to go listen to some country music.

Jason, meanwhile, has gone back to work, meeting Andy at the scene where Beulah Carter, secret vampire, burned in the sun. In the throes of his V addiction Andy is actually tempted to lick up the remains. In other words he's not much different from any other addict. Bill shows up too, making a statement on camera (using his glamouring skills) about how Beulah's death was a suicide, a not uncommon experience among vampires with all the anti-vampire sentiment running rampant these days.

After work Jason gets paid a visit by Jessica. She tells him she broke up with Hoyt. Again, things don't exactly go as smoothly as in her dream. He gets upset because Hoyt is his bestie and then he revokes her invitation. Poor Jessica. Jason then tries to distract himself with pushups, forgetting that Jessica shares a blood bond with him and can feel what he feels. No use pretending you're not into her, my friend.

Eric made it through the witches' assault more or less okay, although his silver-inflicted injuries are extensive enough that he needs real blood to heal (True Blood just won't cut it this time). Of course Sookie offers her own neck (there are other arteries and veins, you know). He ends up offering her his own blood, as well, so that they can be "one." As one they both enjoy some mutual ultra-vivid hallucinations, ending up in a bed in the snowy woods. Not unappealing.

Later as they lie in bed, Eric suggests they run away together. He really doesn't want his memories back. If it were me I think I'd take that offer but Sookie doesn't want to leave her home or to leave Bill to die (I guess she's got a point there). She also tells Eric that he's a warrior and he would never forgive himself for running from a fight. Sigh--stupid practicality intrudes again.

But I think Bill will need all the help he can get. As Antonia watches the news she's livid that all their effort only got one vampire killed. Tara has the sudden realization that they're not actually protecting themselves--they're indiscriminately killing vampires. Antonia is perfectly okay with that--her intention is to wipe out all vampires everywhere. Bill's at least trying to work something out. He calls Antonia (I'm not sure how he knows where to find her) and apologizes on behalf of all vampires for what was done to her. He believes there can be peace between them if they're both willing. She's not exactly convinced but finally Antonia agrees to meet him--alone and unarmed--at midnight in the cemetery at Bon Temps.

As Bill prepares at home for the meeting with Antonia, Sookie and Eric arrive to join the fight. He reluctantly agrees to let Sookie take part before heading to the cemetery. When Antonia arrives she's already hostile and neither of them is surprised that they brought back up (although Sookie is shocked to see Tara on Antonia's side). Bill promises that his vampires will leave the witches alone (under penalty of death) if Antonia will lift the spells on Eric and Pam. Antonia points out that the vampires he wants her to help are the ones who've already harmed the witches. Will he kill them once she lifts the spells? As Bill is giving his word that the vampires will leave the witches alone Sookie hears Antonia silently casting a spell. She warns Bill and suddenly more vampires arrive.

I don't know what sets him off but out of nowhere Eric decides to rip the heart out of one of the witches. Sookie is shocked (like she didn't know what he was capable of). Antonia casts a thick fog and everything descends into chaos. Some are killing whoever they find. Sookie is running around useless. Bill releases every witch unharmed as he searches for Antonia. Tara kills a vampire and looks sickened by what she's done. But then Pam finds her and is ready to end her--until Bill shows up and orders Pam to never harm Tara or he'll personally execute her. Pam takes off and Tara is just dumbfounded.

As Eric feasts on a dead witch and Bill is confronting more of them, Sookie gets shot. Both men sense it and in that moment of vulnerability Bill gets silvered and Eric is put under Antonia's spell much as Luis was. Luckily for Sookie Alcide broke his promise to Debbie and comes to her rescue when he hears her scream. Unluckily for possibly both of them, Debbie sees Alcide do it. Just as things are looking as though they can't possibly get any worse the camera pans slowly out until everything is obscured by the fog.

I'm not worried for Sookie (and not just because she's the main character) but I am concerned about what's going to happen to all the vampires. Who would have thought a small coven of witches could turn out to be so much trouble? And now that Debbie's aware of Alcide's betrayal, who knows what she's capable of? Also, are they completely done with the fairies on the show? Because if so that was pretty damn anticlimactic.

Fang Files

Appearance: Pale humans with red-rimmed eyes and long, snakelike fangs that extend or retract at will (and also when the vampire is excited). They cry blood. A dead vampire is a mass of stringy, bloody bits

Strengths: Super strength and speed. Fast healing (faster with real blood). Ability to glamour (hypnotize) humans.

Weaknesses: Witchcraft, silver, the sun. When vampires haven't properly rested at night they get the "bleeds" (bleeding from their eyes and nose).

Mythology: Once a human has consumed a vampire's blood, there will always be a bond between the two. On the other hand, vampire blood is also a powerful and illegal drug that many humans become addicted to. A vampire needs an invitation to enter a home (and they can't legally own property); their invitation can also be revoked, forcing them to leave immediately.

Sound Bites

Marcus: [re: vampires] Those dead fuckers are hardcore. They will kill you and not blink an eye.

Sookie: I'm trusting you, Eric.
Eric: I won't betray you. Ever.
Sookie: I may remind you of that someday.

Hoyt: [to Jessica] Maybe my mama was right all along--maybe God really does hate fangs. And you know what? So do I.

Eric: I just want to be with you and only you. Forever.
Sookie: There's no such thing as forever.

True Blood, Season 4 Episode 8 "Spellbound." Written by Alan Ball. Directed by Daniel Minahan. From HBO.

Being Human (UK) S1 E4

Spoilers Ahead

Monsters and mobs go hand in hand. I mean, what's the point of being supernatural if you don't have the occasional run-in with villagers and their pitchforks? Well, we've got the mob this episode but they're going after the wrong monster. It's an interesting twist and makes for the perfect plot device.

Episode 4 starts off with Mitchell narrating and having something of an existential crisis. I think we can all relate to his concerns about belonging. But it's particularly poignant for our three protagonists as George returns home after the full moon scratched up, wearing women's clothes, and scaring off the normal people. As for Annie, what is she if not the ultimate outsider, continuing to exist but unable to fully interact with anyone else? You really understand the pain and unhappiness inherent in what otherwise seem like pretty cool circumstances (powers, immortality, superhuman strength...)

Enraged about Herrick taking Lauren back last episode Mitchell goes to pay him a visit. Herrick shuts Mitchell up with a lecture on how badly he's treated Lauren, abandoning her after turning her and not taking care of her as he should have. He points out that Lauren's only with him (Herrick) because Mitchell isn't taking responsibility for her. Considering Mitchell treats Herrick like he's the devil incarnate, Herrick is pretty patient. You really don't get a sense that he's evil at all--just that he cares about Mitchell and is loyal to his fellow vampires. He finally dismisses Mitchell by telling him to go do his thing (that is, try to be human) and when he's done to come home as there will always be a place for him. Makes you wonder why Mitchell is so adamantly opposed to all things vampire and Herrick in particular.

When he gets home Mitchell finds Annie stress cleaning after her realization that the man she loved is also the one who killed her. More disturbing than the cleaning, though, is Annie's new--and uncontrollable--skills as a poltergeist. Every time she's set off dishes go flying, glass explodes, fixtures fall from the ceiling. Fun all around! And speaking of stressing George has a date with Nina and is panicking, not only about what to wear but also that she might just prefer the wolf (which was on the verge of emerging the last time they saw each other) to him.

Things start really getting interesting when Mitchell intervenes as two boys bully another one. The bullies give him attitude and he scares them off with his all-black vampire eyes. In the process he makes friends with the bullied boy, Bernie, and his mom, Fleur. Charmed by his defending her son (and undoubtedly by his smouldering good looks), Fleur invites Mitchell in for tea. Later she lets Mitchell take Bernie out for the day, which I find a bit weird. Fine--she doesn't believe children should be wrapped in cotton wool (agreed) but letting a man you only just met take your kid out for the day--is it just me or is that asking for trouble? Come on--even Mitchell asks her if she's sure that's a good idea!

Not that he has any ulterior motive other than just hanging out with a nice kid who reminds him of himself at that age. They bond and bowl and all is going well until Lauren shows up. Mitchell pulls her away angrily but Lauren claims she's only there to say goodbye. She says she and the other vampires got the message and that they're going to respect his decision and leave him alone. Although he still worries about her his relief becomes increasingly evident. Especially when Bernie falls and cuts himself and Mitchell doesn't react at all to the blood. Maybe he can do this human thing, after all.

To celebrate he brings Bernie home to meet George and pig out on junk food. At one point Bernie notices a Laurel and Hardy statue and asks who they are. Aghast at the ignorance of youth Mitchell tells him to run up to his room and grab the first Laurel and Hardy dvd he sees. Mitchell promises he'll laugh more than he ever has before.

The next morning Bernie puts the movie on but it's clear he did not end up with a Laurel and Hardy dvd. Instead he's watching Lauren's vampire porn. And then Fleur sees it. She shows up at Mitchell's enraged and starts telling the entire neighbourhood that he's a perv and a pedophile. Mitchell tries to explain what happened but by then no one's listening. All the neighbours start turning against him (and by extension, George), spraying graffiti on the house, egging it, picketing, throwing garbage, refusing to let them shop in their stores, spitting on them and worse.

As if things aren't already bad enough for Mitchell, Herrick shows up at work in an official capacity (for anyone who's forgotten, he's a cop) to see him about the serious allegations made by his neighbours. Herrick is more than willing to make this go away and before he leaves he has Mitchell reminiscing about the good old days when they would deal with problems like this vampire-style. Mitchell claims he doesn't want Herrick's help but it's hard to believe he really wants nothing to do with his fellow vamps. It's pretty obvious Herrick doesn't believe it either.

Events come to a head when Bernie sneaks over to apologize to Mitchell for everything that's happened. As Mitchell is reassuring him that none of it is his fault, one of the more obnoxious neighbours intervenes. Soon the mob has arrived and Mitchell is starting to get pissed off. Meanwhile Fleur starts shouting from across the street for Bernie to come home now. Poor Bernie is clearly torn but then he starts running for home, somehow not seeing the car that's coming toward him. Mitchell sees it, though, and runs. Unfortunately he gets there a second too late and they're both hit by the car. But only Mitchell gets up again. Fleur and Mitchell are devastated. The mob just gawks.

George and Nina's relationship is really up and down this episode. At first he's relieved to find out she doesn't prefer the wolf to him when she suggests they slow things down a bit (apparently when he rocked her world last episode it was a bit much for her). But as things start going downhill with the neighbours he becomes convinced he and Mitchell will never be accepted anywhere or be able to live any kind of normal life. He becomes cold to Nina and then tells her it's over, that trouble follows him and he can't be with her anymore. Nina's not entirely convinced and she shows up at his place to tell him so. He keeps pushing her away until she finally gives up, first making sure he knows she would have listened to him.

He's determined to stay away from Nina but after Bernie is hit George goes to see her, horrified to the point of tears that he's just seen a child killed. Nina is a great support and George eventually tells her that he has secrets but he can't tell her about them yet. This prompts her to reveal her own secret--horrific scars on her abdomen (she doesn't give details, just says that people can be bastards). Their relationship seems to have found its footing and I really hope it works out for them.

While all this has been going on Annie's been having her own relationship issues. Her stress level goes off the charts when Owen shows up at the house with his new girlfriend. Annie tries her best to control her uncontrollable poltergeisting (yeah that's a word), although her efforts aren't entirely effective. After talking to the guys about the situation with the neighbours Owen is understanding but still gives them notice--they need to get out so he and Janey can move in. This about pushes Annie over the edge. Not only is she about to lose her only friends but her ex and his new girl are getting ready to step into the life that was meant to be hers. After Owen and Janie leave Annie makes a decision. She's not going to lose the guys or let Owen and Janie have the house. She's breaking with her past and to emphasize it she has a little barbecue of all her Owen-related items. Although the boys are concerned she claims she's never felt more alive. And she might just be right. When Bernie is hit Annie comes outside to see what all the commotion is and is shocked that people can see and touch her. Does anyone else see ghostly revenge on the horizon?

Bernie ends up on life support, although he's fading fast. Fleur is blaming herself when Mitchell shows up. Probably breaking every rule there is he tells her he's a vampire and, after offering some proof, tells her he can turn Bernie to save him. Fleur is disbelieving and then torn, unsure whether that's the right thing to do. Mitchell responds that she has to make that decision. The next scene is Fleur sobbing over Bernie's body while Mitchell sits outside. From there he meets Fleur at the train station. She's got a bag and is leaving town. She lets Mitchell know that she told the neighbours she was wrong about him and he's actually okay. Whether that'll make a difference remains to be seen. But Mitchell's focus is elsewhere, particularly when Bernie shows up looking pale and carrying a bag of his own. He and Fleur are happy to see each other again but when Bernie tries to thank Mitchell for saving him, Mitchell says "don't" and walks away. So if he thought it was such a horrible thing to do why did he do it? Especially when the next moment Bernie tells his mom he's hungry and the formerly sweet kid suddenly has a tinge of menace about him. In this moment it becomes all-too clear just how difficult his and Fleur's lives are going to be. Not just difficult but dangerous.

The episode ends with Mitchell going to see Herrick. With just two words ("I'm in.") he turns his back on his humanity and joins again with the vampires. Is it out of self-hatred, disgust with humans, an overwhelming need to belong, or any number of other reasons? I don't know but I'm also not sure how long it'll last.

I like this episode a lot. It somehow manages to show the difficulties of life as a human and as a "monster." No matter what it's not easy and there's no clear winner in terms of which is preferable. So how does one decide which path to follow? Maybe Mitchell's right--maybe it's just a matter of finding where you belong. Or maybe we're all a bit of both. Whatever the case I'm not too sure one can survive without the other.

Fang Files

Appearance: Human, until the vampire emerges--then pure black eyes. A vampire's image cannot be captured. Vampires are cold to the touch.

Strengths: Not easy to hurt, quick healing.

Weaknesses: Blood lust, cruelty to humans.

Mythology: Ideally a maker should take responsibility for their "children," helping them through the transition and teaching them about being a vampire. To make a vampire a human must be "snatched" at the moment of death.

Sound Bites

Mitchell: You can piss your whole life away wondering who you might be. It's when you've worked out who you are that you can really start to live.

Nina: [Re: taking it slow with George] Don''t get me wrong, I'm not suggesting we wear those weird chastity rings--you know, American kids 'we're not shagging 'cause we're mentals'...

Lauren: [to Mitchell] God, it's always about the blood with you, isn't it? Like that's all there is. There's a whole dark and beautiful world and you're obsessing about what we eat.

George: We're not fit to live among decent people.
Mitchell: It's a good job we don't, then.

Fleur: If you were me, would you choose that life for your son? Because I don't see much happiness in you, Mitchell.

Being Human (UK), Season 1 Episode 4. Written by Brian Dooley. Directed by Alex Pillai. From the BBC.

The Vampire Diaries S3 E8 "Ordinary People"

Spoilers Ahead

This just might be my most-hated episode of The Vampire Diaries. I don't know what they were thinking when they put this hot mess together. Here's some free advice for the writers: Vikings don't have English accents and they do not have Biblical names. Furthermore you're telling us there's no archeological evidence for an entire Viking village in the US from only 1000 years ago? Congratulations on coming up with one of the stupidest story premises I've seen in a long time.

So "Ordinary People" starts off with Alaric, Elena and Damon in the caves under the Lockwood estate. Alaric shows Elena the glyphs and explains that they tell a story before he points out that the Viking runes (which he can apparently read) include the names Rebekah, Elijah, Michael and Niklaus. See, I'd have no problem if the characters ended up changing their names over time but the fact that their names appear in runes means those are their original names and how can you expect me to believe any of this stuff if you can't get something as simple as names right? You show me evidence of a Viking named Rebekah or Elijah and I will give you a million dollars. Seriously. But Alaric, Elena and Damon have other things on their minds. Alaric's managed to interpret that werewolves lived in Mystic Falls long before there was such a thing as Mystic Falls, while Damon figured out that Michael is the Original dad.

We're also treated to a series of flashbacks, starting with one of Rebekah and Klaus in the cave as she carves the runes. Why? Who knows? I guess there wasn't much to do back then. We also find out that they and their siblings are all afraid of their father. We get a sense of why when we later see the miserable bastard chewing out Klaus for nothing.

Back in the present Alaric takes photos of all the glyphs so he can study them at home. As they're discussing their next move Elena spars with Damon (let's just say she's no Buffy). Elena finally decides they need to talk to Rebekah to find out more about Michael and the Originals. And after a few threats Rebekah is more than willing.

Rebekah tells a truly ridiculous tale. Apparently her parents, back in the land of the Vikings, lost a child to plague and decided they needed to take their family someplace safe. That safe place was the new world (already populated by werewolves) where everyone was healthy (they apparently travelled there with the help of a witch.) First of all, you don't get plagues in sparsely populated areas. I don't think plague was a real issue for the Vikings. Second of all losing children was commonplace back then. Yes it was sad but people were used to it. Running away from the dangers of life wouldn't occur to anyone. Thirdly I can't believe a Viking would run away from anything. But Rebekah goes on. She adds that her family lived in peace with the weres, retreating once a month to the caves while the wolves did their thing. That was, until the night Klaus and youngest brother Henrik decided to go out and watch and *gasp shock* Henrik ended up dead. Well, that was it--no more friendly relations with the weres. Because, you know, it was their fault the kid got himself killed. And the family couldn't go anywhere else because Michael was too proud to run (except from disease, apparently). No, Michael decided they had to use witchcraft to make themselves meaner and stronger than the weres so they could kick their collective ass. Really? When their witch refused to do something so against nature, mom Esther (another fine Viking name), also a witch, stepped up.

Although it goes against everything witches stand for Esther agreed to work a spell to change her family into the first vampires. She didn't include herself in the spell, however, because you can't be a witch and a vampire. Of course now that they've said that unequivocally you know a vampire witch is going to show up at some point. By the way, Esther was also the Original Witch. Once the spell was out of the way Michael fed his kids blood and killed them. Then when they woke up he brought them fresh blood in the form of a girl to complete the transformation. Of course there were consequences, being the weaknesses we all know about (see Fang Files).

But wait, the worst was yet to come. When Klaus killed his first human it triggered his werewolf gene. Of course that made him Michael's greatest shame. So Esther put the curse on him and turned her back on him. But Michael still couldn't deal. He slaughtered half the village and then killed Esther in front of Klaus. From there the family was scattered, although Klaus, Rebekah and Elijah stayed long enough to bury their mom and vow to always stick together.

Elsewhere Damon has decided to amuse himself by releasing Stefan from the cell. He's not a big fan of the Lexi rehab plan so he's going to try another way. It's not a particularly subtle way as they head to some random bar where they indulge in whiskey, blood, and dancing on tables. Damon claims he wants Stefan to remember what freedom feels like so he'll get mad and fight back against Klaus. Before they can really explore that idea Michael shows up. How he found them considering they don't even really know where they are, who knows? He starts questioning Stefan about where Klaus is but because Stefan is compelled he can't give anything away. So Michael decides to motivate him by shoving his hand into Damon's chest and threatening to rip out his heart (by the way, this counts as impaling if you're playing my drinking game!) At first Stefan still insists he can't tell Michael anything but just when Michael is about to perform amateur heart surgery Stefan suddenly admits he can lure Klaus back to Mystic Falls. Good enough--as soon as Klaus shows up, Michael will kill him. And if Stefan can't get Klaus back then Michael will kill him.

While Elena is busy with Rebekah and Damon is busy with Stefan, Alaric has Bonnie bring him the necklace that wouldn't die. With the necklace he can confirm that one of the recurring glyphs is the symbol for witch. Once Elena is done with Rebekah she joins Alaric and helps fill in the blanks in the glyphs. And--OMG--she realizes that it wasn't Michael who killed Esther--it was Klaus!!!!! When she runs back to Rebekah with photos and a breathless revelation the vampire first gets angry and then starts crying. Because somehow it never occurred to any of them that Klaus might have been lying about Michael killing their mom. I can sympathize with Rebekah, though--this episode made me want to cry too.

There is a satisfying moment, though, when Stefan mouths off to Damon and Damon handily kicks Stefan's ass. As Gordon Ramsay would say, well thank fuck for that. The episode ends with Damon waiting on Elena's bed as she's about to settle down for the night. There's an amusing moment as she's pulling on the blanket, trying to budge it so she can get under it while Damon ignores her and keeps talking. But then she slides in anyway, tells him they might have Rebekah on their side, and mentions that she thinks Damon will be the one to save Stefan from himself--not because Stefan loves Elena but because he loves Damon. Aww. Then she falls asleep under Damon's watchful eye (you know, when the Angel[us] would watch Buffy as she slept it was considered creepy. Now it's the romantic thing to do...)

I really can't stand shows that make it up as they go along. Yeah maybe that helps with the element of surprise but mostly it encourages the element of idiocy. Come up with a long-term story outline, makes sure it all makes sense, execute. How hard it that? At least this show still has Damon. He's the only thing that keeps me coming back.

Fang Files

Appearance: Pale human until the vampire emerges, then dark/red eyes, dark facial veins and prominent fangs.

Strengths: Difficult to kill, quick healing. Super strength and speed. The ability to compel humans (Originals can also compel other vampires).

Weaknesses: Sunlight (unless wearing a piece of daywalker jewellery). Magic. Pointy objects. Blood lust. Need an invitation to enter a private residence. Vervain. Heightened emotions.

Mythology: Originally there was no way to permanently kill an Original (especially Klaus) but now it seems there might be a way (involving a stake made from the white oak tree). Vampires can turn off their emotions/humanity at will. In order to be turned a human needs to die with vampire blood in their system; to complete the transformation they need to feed from a human.

Sound Bites

Damon: [re: the cave glyphs] Yeah, it's the Lockwood Diaries, Pictionary style.

Rebekah: [to Elena] If you wake Michael we are all doomed.

Elena: [re: Stefan] How does he look?
Damon: Pasty and pouty.

Stefan: Damon, you are worse than Elena. Getting me drunk, brotherly bonding. What, you think I'll break down and you can pull me back from the edge, is that it?
Damon: I happen to like the edge, Stefan. Your problem is your inability to resist falling over it. You're all or nothing, man. You can't just be. Although, who am I to judge?

Rebekah: A witch is nature's servant. A vampire is an abomination of nature.

The Vampire Diaries, Season 3 Episode 8 "Ordinary People." Written by Caroline Dries and Julie Plec (based on a story by Nick Wauters). Directed by J. Miller Tobin. From The CW.